Today I spent the entire day studying. It’s so pretty outside- part of me is jealous that I’m stuck indoors, but the other part of me is enjoying being curled up in Carpenter Library reading and analyzing texts for my thesis. Luckily, Emma and Ellen have joined me. It seems that every senior is now hyper aware that a quarter of their last year has passed, and now we only have three fourths to go. Part of that is a really amazing and great feeling, but the other part is sheer horror. Like the kind of horror where you can feel your stomach sink into the ground, and you feel you body temperature drop dangerously low.
Granted, Bryn Mawr isn’t forever. Nothing is forever, as Pam likes to remind me. But I feel as if we are all in such a delicate stage of our lives right now- soon we will be out of limbo, and forced back into society. These last four years have flown by, and I frequently find my thoughts wandering back to other memories. It’s a little painful, because these things are in the past, and nothing we do can make us feel how we once did. It’s also really reassuring because that is how we know that we have grown and changed. It’s a weird paradox to be stuck in between, but I know that once I’m out of my undergraduate experience, it will be another memory that I will look back on and think “because of this i have grown and changed, and from that I am a better person.” I think a lot of my thoughts end at this conclusion, because it’s the easiest one to process and accept.
The idea of memory, the past, and change from experiences, are ones that I think of frequently, but feel as if I have the least understanding on. It’s aggravating to try to press these thoughts, but only have them end up producing more questions rather than having me come to conclusions. I recognize that thought processes aren’t linear, but rather expand outwards, but sometimes I wish things were just a simple A to B to C to D makes ABCD. Maybe if things were like ABCD, I would be wishing for the uncertainties I have now.
In other less-meta news, someone brought a tree into my hall last night. We couldn’t keep it, but I kind of liked it in the hall (don’t tell my residents). It brought some life into the area!